Sleepwalking

Ahhh...Blogging. I hardly know thee. I am such a neglectful writer, but in my defence...

I’m confused.

Looking at myself in the mirror and thinking about the year that's passed and the one that's rapidly approaching...I find it hard to see anything likable, both inside and out, in myself. Yet, it’s the ringing in my head that is causing me the most conflict...

Why?

Because I can’t seem to understand where my life is leading me, and what kind of person it makes me.

This isn’t a rare feeling...it’s usually the norm for me. For a long time now, my mind and my feelings have been walking disparate paths, tearing me asunder in the process, and ultimately, I am left with a headache and no clearer grasp on things.

Yet now...the feelings and the thoughts are converging...leading me towards a destination that seems to be cloaked from my gaze, and yet through the haze...there is something there...a goal...a hope. Something tangible, within which lies a happiness that do not deserve.

I try to be a good friend...but I feel like failure.

I try to be a good son...but I feel like a disappointment.

I can’t say I have lived life so far...there are so many things I have missed out on and so many things I have never done...and I’m not talking about things like “see the Pyramids.” I mean the moments that define who you are...

I’m probably not the only one, but it still feels lonely...especially when my thoughts pound me into submission and steal my dreamtime from me at night.

I wish I could make the excuse “I’m unlucky,” but I can’t...

I feel as if I am sleepwalking through life sometimes...I treasure the moments with my best friends, those moments where I feel truly awake and happy. However...more and more as things begin to shift and change in my life, I can feel myself slipping back to sleep...away from my heart and away from my dreams, and I do not like it.

However...I won’t give up. I will try to not disappoint the people I care about, try my best to help them; to make them happy when they are sad; to think as much with my heart as with my mind, and also...to try and find some pride in myself in the process (although I am not exactly holding my breath on that one)

I want to start moving closer to my dreams, move beyond the haze and know whether what I feel is what I really want.

I want to grow...without sacrificing the childish glee I love in life.

I want to be a better person ...but I don’t want to lose sight of who I am to do so. I know the old saying “good guys finish last” but I’d rather try and take that last place than become a real dick in order to win.

I want to dream of things beyond, be free to explore my imagination. To laugh, to cry, to think, to speak, to love...all without concern of judgement or embarrassment.

Can I find the courage to do what I desire and take the risk...to see if my dreams can become a reality?

After all, why go through life without living your own dream?

Now I hope you understand why I focus mainly on films here! :P

But it’s not all doom and gloom...Days like the one I had yesterday are the ones that make me smile!

Spending the day with Deelarah, one of the most awesome friends ANYONE could ask for (and a devoted Christian Bale lover.. well, i did say i’d get you back for the cushion attack :P) watching some horror, a bit of magic mystery and a head spinning Korean musical with a family of foxes and a dude in a wonder woman outfit. Thank you for putting up with me and sharing in the mayhem! You rock :D

And I have a chance to have some more awesome fun fairly soon...Paris is calling!!!! :D :D :D

It will be epic.

Oh, I’ll be back with reviews on Monday...hopefully.

No, DEFINATELY!

:)